Reflections from Epona

This isn't your usual post race debrief.

I'm not going to write what went well and what went wrong. Everyone has their own experiences and methods that work for them.

This is more of a delve into my psyche, what made running 100 miles a profound experience, what made it different to all my challenges to date.

I went into this challenge already struggling with my mental health. This is usually the case. The build up prior, the months of training and ultimately things inevitably not going to plan. But this felt different. I was tired, not physically or mentally, but like my soul was depleted. I messaged Rhys earlier in the week and expressed I may not even make it to the start line.

As always though; feeling the weight of others expectations, and the self imposed responsibilities leading a brand called 'Adventure Athletes' I felt like I had to, or my credibility was on the line, not just as a coach, but as myself. 

I tried to remove all expectations of myself, I tried focusing on the joy of the experience. After all, it was my first 100 miler! I did my usual nonsense, challenging everyone to a 100m sprint start, dancing at trigs, carrying boulders, and bear crawling. I played up for the cameras, doing somersaults on top of mountains. I removed my time goals and sat by the river enjoying nature.

At first everything went well, I was way ahead of where I thought I should be but feeling amazing,  those first 40 miles were incredible. Then the doubts started creeping in. I was no longer enjoying it. I didn't know what I was aiming to achieve anymore.

With the decline of my physical feeling came the decline of my mental well being. I didn't want to be there anymore, I didn't want to try and push on, I just wanted it to be over.

Now if you've ever been around me in a challenge, I've never wanted to quit. Not that they haven't been hard because I feel I've done much harder things than this. But I've never mentally given up and not seen the point anymore, yet here I was. 

I had learned my lesson, I wouldn't have been any less happy with a DNF, I was very content to call it a day and move on. I finished partly out of stubbornness, partly out of hoping I'd feel capable again by finishing, but mostly simply because everyone told me to keep going. This wasn't about me anymore, it was about others opinions of me, and the whole experience just felt worse and worse. Even up till 10km out I was quite content with calling it a day and moving on.

This race has left me with more questions than answers. I've had post race blues before, the big come down after the event. This isn't that.

This is something deeper, I'm really questioning why I even put myself through these things, what I hope to achieve, is it even something I do for myself anymore? Have I just put my body through heat stroke and a stress fracture for nothing? Recovery is usually something I look forward to, the whole rehab process and learning and improving ready for the next one, but this time it just doesn't seem to matter, just something I regret. 

I don't know where this has left me, the mental fallout has been something I've really struggled to express to anyone.  I don't know what's next, do I keep pushing? Keep doing the challenges I laid out, for what? It feels like I left a part of me out there, and not a part I wanted to lose, I'm just left questioning who I am and who I want to be and why.